Have you ever heard that expression ‘if there was a room full of men or women you can bet your bottom dollar I’d be attracted to the most unavailable one in the room.’ Could this even possibly be true? Well actually yes it could. Within 5 minutes of meeting a person they will remind us of our relationships with a primary caregiver. If you have suffered either physical or emotional abandonment as a child there will be people whom we meet that we immediately feel attracted to. There will be something about them that reminds us of a feeling we had as a child. This feeling may not even be wholly conscious. Usually this will be an uncomfortable feeling but we probably will not recognise it as this. We are more likely to recognise it as a feeling of wanting to get closer to this person. The mind is incredibly complex in the way it processes information. Across the room it may look like to an observer that you are just having a friendly chat with someone you have just met. In fact your mind is quietly thinking I recognise this person, I know this feeling, I want to get closer to this person as there is something about this feeling that has not been resolved from my past. This attraction you are feeling is in fact the minds way of trying to solve what was a traumatic event to you in childhood. It will be trying to get you to form a relationship with this person who reminds you of that primary caregiver who either physically or emotionally abandoned you. The reason for this is that the mind thinks if it gets you close to this person then perhaps you can rewrite history by making this new person stay in relationship with you. The problem is that the whole reason you have been attracted to this person in the first place is because they are unable to be emotionally available. So history repeats itself. You try to get close to this person but due to their own issues they
will ultimately abandon you just as that primary caregiver did.

Have you ever experienced the above. Do you find yourself attracted to the same type of person over and over again to find that the result is always the same. Pain and abandonment. It can be extremely helpful to understand your patterns in order to change them. Once we become aware of why we are attracted to certain individuals we can start working on ways to change that.

Please contact me on 07983726647 or at victoriaabadi66@gmail.com if you would like to start changing self defeating patterns of behaviour.

Why We Practice Mindfulness in Groups

Human being are essentially social beings that in most cases need interaction with other human beings in order to be able to function optimally. Originally we lived in large tribal groups where all our social interactions were met within the tribal community. As time passed and humans began to settle more in one place we saw villages and towns spring up. It was the norm to have all of your extended family around you and again for the human need for social connection to be met within these types of community. With the advent of motorised transport people became much more free to be able to live in different areas from their family and often their friends. This could then mean that they had less access to support and community. Add to this the advent of social media and what we are seeing is even more of a break down of social communities. Human beings are becoming more isolated as these types of communities are becoming less common. And as a result of this we have begun to see a huge increase in mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety and addictive processes. Connecting with other human beings helps us feel ‘part of’ the human race and can significantly help with a wide variety of mental health conditions. I include substance misuse as a mental health condition as we now know that the neural pathways of the brain are altered when we continue to use a substance that triggers the excessive release of dopamine. One of the main characteristics of chronic, prolonged substance misuse is that the user begins to become more and more isolated. I work primarily with people who have problems with substance misuse or other behavioural addictions. Encouraging this cohort of people to work within groups can be a vital part of their recovery as very often it is their first step towards feeling part of the human race again. Gabor Mate, one of the leading lights in addiction research states that in its simplest form that ‘the antidote to addiction is connection’. Gabor Mate – In the Realm of the Hungry Ghost – 2009. Mindfulness practiced in a group can help an awareness grow that ‘we are in this together’ thus motivating individuals to keep on practicing as they feel they are not alone, that they are more connected and thus less isolated. When mindful inquiry is practiced in groups it can again allow the individual to feel less alone and more connected when they are able to hear and identify with others experiences and feelings. Hearing other people express their feelings and experiences can also allow other perspectives to enter into the consciousness thus challenging negative beliefs that the individual is in some way less than everyone else. Another of the characteristics of addiction is that many who suffer with the condition also suffer with deep rooted shame, often believing that they are inherently flawed. Mindful inquiry within the group can often help them to challenge this belief by hearing others share their own feelings and judgement of these feelings. When we connect on this deep level – hearing another human being judge themselves so harshly we are often able to have compassion for that person. If we are able through the meditative practice to be able to direct this same compassion towards ourselves we can start to break down the shame cycle. Donald McCown, co-author of Teaching Mindfulness: A Practical Guide for Clinicians and Educators has made the point that participants of mindfulness groups see it as a group activity and that’s one reason they want to come back. He states that
‘They have a group to bring back their experiences to, which takes them out of the echo chamber of their own minds. A mind which is often clouded with self doubt and recriminations’. One of the main benefits of group meditation is hearing other people’s struggles with their practice. Hearing another person share that they feel like they are rubbish at it too can again alleviate that feeling of shame and allow the individual to recognise they are not the only ones who are not perfect. McCown also states that facilitators need to be able to facilitate discussion and discovery not simply serve as the person who has all the answers. Group participants discovering their own answers is often much more beneficial. It is also of great importance to be able to sit with not knowing all the answers – being able to sit with discomfort and understanding ‘it’s ok to not be ok’ is a whole lot easier when you know through the group experience that you are not on your own with feeling this. Addiction is, in most situations, about an individual not being able to sit with discomfort. The substance or behaviour is very often their solution to their problem of being able to sit with difficult feelings and emotions. Ultimately the substance/behaviour becomes a bigger problem in its own right thus leaving the person with two problems – the substance/behaviour and their inability to self soothe. They have to learn to sit with uncomfortableness without ‘numbing’. Mindfulness enables them to begin to learn how to be more present in the moment without preference. Being a member of a group where other people also struggle with being able to sit with discomfort again makes the participant feel less alone, less anxious and less weird thus providing an environment where change can begin to occur.
Often mindful groups take place in neutral surroundings away from the distractions of the individual’s home setting thus allowing the mind to be able to settle more readily. Also if you struggle with feeling distracted it can be very beneficial to practice in a group where you can pick up on the energy frequencies within the group. Calm energy from others may allow the individual to feel more centred. There have been many studies done on the benefits of meditation in communities with the findings often coming back that the ripple effect of the calming properties of group mindfulness can effect whole communities reducing violence and aggression. The group can collectively unify to have a common goal – even if it’s just to be more relaxed.

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https://addictioncounsellingwilmslow.co.uk/424-2/

It is such a paradox to call comfort eating comfort eating. We understand that addiction is always about feeling uncomfortable and reaching towards something to take the discomfort away. Whether that be the minor discomfort of boredom or the extreme discomfort of grief. Either way a much more accurate term would be ‘numbing eating’. Initially reaching for your ‘food of choice’ may feel comforting but when you reach for that same substance time and time again, day in day out it becomes increasingly more painful. Eventually the pain of the addictive behaviour outweighs any pleasure or comfort you may have originally felt and you end up with two problems. The initial discomfort you were trying to avoid and the pain of repeating a self defeating behaviour.

It is imperative when working with any form of addiction that the sufferer learns to sit with discomfort. Conversely the more you are able to sit with discomfort the quicker the discomfort passes. I am a qualified mindfulness teacher and an integrative cbt practitioner. I combine mindfulness/ ACT with cbt techniques in order to address the addiction from a two pronged approach. I use mindfulness and Acceptance Commitment Therapy in order to be able to sit with uncomfortableness and be able to accept the present moment just as it is without needing to reach to something to change your reality. The cbt approach enables you to challenge negative core beliefs about yourself, which in turn affects how we feel which has a knock on effect of changing the way you behave.

If you would like to address an addiction of any kind please feeel free to contact me at victoriaabadi66@gmail.com or call me on 07983726647.

Human being are essentially social beings that in most cases need interaction with other human beings in order to be able to function optimally. Originally we lived in large tribal groups where all our social interactions were met within the tribal community. As time passed and humans began to settle more in one place we saw villages and towns spring up. It was the norm to have all of your extended family around you and again for the human need for social connection to be met within these types of community. With the advent of motorised transport people became much more free to be able to live in different areas from their family and often their friends. This could then mean that they had less access to support and community. Add to this the advent of social media and what we are seeing is even more of a break down of social communities. Human beings are becoming more isolated as these types of communities are becoming less common. And as a result of this we have begun to see a huge increase in mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety and addictive processes. Connecting with other human beings helps us feel ‘part of’ the human race and can significantly help with a wide variety of mental health conditions. I include substance misuse as a mental health condition as we now know that the neural pathways of the brain are altered when we continue to use a substance that triggers the excessive release of dopamine. One of the main characteristics of chronic, prolonged substance misuse is that the user begins to become more and more isolated. I work primarily with people who have problems with substance misuse or other behavioural addictions. Encouraging this cohort of people to work within groups can be a vital part of their recovery as very often it is their first step towards feeling part of the human race again. Gabor Mate, one of the leading lights in addiction research states that in its simplest form that ‘the antidote to addiction is connection’. Gabor Mate – In the Realm of the Hungry Ghost – 2009. Mindfulness practiced in a group can help an awareness grow that ‘we are in this together’ thus motivating individuals to keep on practicing as they feel they are not alone, that they are more connected and thus less isolated. When mindful inquiry is practiced in groups it can again allow the individual to feel less alone and more connected when they are able to hear and identify with others experiences and feelings. Hearing other people express their feelings and experiences can also allow other perspectives to enter into the consciousness thus challenging negative beliefs that the individual is in some way less than everyone else. Another of the characteristics of addiction is that many who suffer with the condition also suffer with deep rooted shame, often believing that they are inherently flawed. Mindful inquiry within the group can often help them to challenge this belief by hearing others share their own feelings and judgement of these feelings. When we connect on this deep level – hearing another human being judge themselves so harshly we are often able to have compassion for that person. If we are able through the meditative practice to be able to direct this same compassion towards ourselves we can start to break down the shame cycle. Donald McCown, co-author of Teaching Mindfulness: A Practical Guide for Clinicians and Educators has made the point that participants of mindfulness groups see it as a group activity and that’s one reason they want to come back. He states that
‘They have a group to bring back their experiences to, which takes them out of the echo chamber of their own minds. A mind which is often clouded with self doubt and recriminations’. One of the main benefits of group meditation is hearing other people’s struggles with their practice. Hearing another person share that they feel like they are rubbish at it too can again alleviate that feeling of shame and allow the individual to recognise they are not the only ones who are not perfect. McCown also states that facilitators need to be able to facilitate discussion and discovery not simply serve as the person who has all the answers. Group participants discovering their own answers is often much more beneficial. It is also of great importance to be able to sit with not knowing all the answers – being able to sit with discomfort and understanding ‘it’s ok to not be ok’ is a whole lot easier when you know through the group experience that you are not on your own with feeling this. Addiction is, in most situations, about an individual not being able to sit with discomfort. The substance or behaviour is very often their solution to their problem of being able to sit with difficult feelings and emotions. Ultimately the substance/behaviour becomes a bigger problem in its own right thus leaving the person with two problems – the substance/behaviour and their inability to self soothe. They have to learn to sit with uncomfortableness without ‘numbing’. Mindfulness enables them to begin to learn how to be more present in the moment without preference. Being a member of a group where other people also struggle with being able to sit with discomfort again makes the participant feel less alone, less anxious and less weird thus providing an environment where change can begin to occur.
Often mindful groups take place in neutral surroundings away from the distractions of the individual’s home setting thus allowing the mind to be able to settle more readily. Also if you struggle with feeling distracted it can be very beneficial to practice in a group where you can pick up on the energy frequencies within the group. Calm energy from others may allow the individual to feel more centred. There have been many studies done on the benefits of meditation in communities with the findings often coming back that the ripple effect of the calming properties of group mindfulness can effect whole communities reducing violence and aggression. The group can collectively unify to have a common goal – even if it’s just to be more relaxed.

If you are reading this and think mindfulness in either a group or 1 to 1 setting can help you with your addiction (whether that be to a substance, a behaviour (sex, gambling, overeating, restrictive eating etc) or to a person (codependency) please call me on 07983726647 or email me at victoriaabadi66@gmail.com to arrange an initial appointment.

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Is someone really an addict if they have been prescribed medication for pain and can no longer function without the medication? This is a question I am often asked. They are certainly dependent on the painkiller but they are not necessarily an ‘addict’. They may well need clinical help coming off the substance due to the physical withdrawals they may experience. If they have maintained using the painkiller as prescribed and have not varied from the prescribed regime I would suggest they are not an addict in the sense of addiction being a disease. The addiction as a ‘disease’ model states that an addict will have lost the ability to control the use of the substance: that once they take the first one they will be physically compelled to consume more alongside being mentally obsessed to use more. Many people go into hospital and have to be treated with opiated painkiller. These patients as a rule do not go on and become ‘addicts’. They stop taking the pain killers, feel a little under the weather for a few days and then get up and carry on with their lives. It is those that cannot stop using once they have been given pain killers despite experiencing negative consequences that are ‘addicts’. Doctors are prescribing more and more opiated pain killers than ever before. Those that go on to become addicted to these opiated drugs end up facing many of the same problems as any other ‘addict’. They are not special and different and in some way ‘better than other addicts’ as is often the thought processes of people with addictions to OTC (over the counter) or prescription drugs. This thought process ties into their denial of the problem. Denial is one of the main characteristics of all ‘addicts’. They have moved into what is called non-medical use of OTC drugs and/or prescription drugs. The nonmedical use of a prescription or over-the-counter (OTC) medication implies that the user is using it for reasons other than those indicated in the prescribing literature or on the box label. The abuse of these medications is a national issue. Prescription medications are those pharmaceuticals dispensed by a pharmacist on the presentation of a prescription written by a physician, dentist, or other health care provider who is legally authorized to write prescriptions. OTC medications are pharmaceuticals that do not require a prescription and are sold on the shelves of markets, stores, and pharmacies.

Addiction to OTC medication and prescription medication needs to be treated in exactly the same way as any other addiction. For help with prescription painkillers please contact Victoria Abadi Therapies on 07983726647 or victoriaabadi66@gmail.com

 

 

Is someone really an addict if they have been prescribed medication for pain and can no longer function without the substance? They are certainly dependent on the painkiller but they are not necessarily an ‘addict’. They may well need clinical help coming off the substance due to the physical withdrawals they may experience. If they have maintained using the painkiller as prescribed and have not varied from the prescribed regime I would suggest they are not an addict in the sense of addiction diagnosed as a disease. The addiction as a disease model states that an addict will have lost the ability to control the use of the substance. That once they take the first one they will be compelled to consume more alongside being obsessed to use more. They will continue to use the drug despite negative consequences.

So it appears there are two issues running side by side here. Those that are using prescribed painkillers addictively and those that are using painkillers as prescribed but are struggling to stop because of the withdrawal process. In both instances the need for psychological input will probably be needed. Opiated pain killers affect dopamine levels. Dopamine is the chemical that gets released in our brain when we perform high reward activities like eating, having sex and listening to music.
When you take an opiated pain killer such as codeine the chemicals travel through the bloodstream all the way to your brain where they link up and attach themselves to specialised proteins known as mu opioid receptors. Once this chemical connection occurs, it sends a signal to the ventral tegmental area in the midbrain, which is involved in cognition, motivation and most importantly reward, and from there, the brain dumps a neurotransmitter, dopamine, into the nucleus accumbens. In short this biochemical process, and in particular the release of dopamine creates a feeling of pleasure, even euphoria. This feeling is so pleasurable that it is not unusual for those who are suffering with a pain condition to want to experience this feeling again and again. When it becomes time to reduce and stop the use of opiated painkillers the brain struggles to produce dopamine thus creating low mood, depression, anxiety and insomnia.

If opiates are used for longer than 2-4 weeks, then a lack in natural “feel good” brain chemicals known as neurotransmitters occurs.

Your brain has four primary neurotransmitters and each plays a critical and different role in your health and how you feel.
The four primary neurotransmitters are dopamine, serotonin, GABA, acetylcholine.

So what do they do for you?

• Serotonin regulates sleep and appetite.
• Dopamine is the feel good chemical, plays an important role in mood, energy, attitude, motivation.
• GABA acts as your calming neurotransmitter, helping you relax.
• Acetylcholine for processing information and memory.
• Endorphins are feel good chemicals our bodies release under extreme pain. They are considered the bodies own opiates.
When heroin and other opioid prescription pain relievers are abused for longer than a couple weeks, your brain slowly stops producing these critical neurotransmitters.
When your neurotransmitters are low or imbalanced, like they are almost always after addiction, you will likely feel flat, lifeless, depressed, nervous, anxious, stressed and unable to enjoy the things that use to bring you pleasure and joy in life.

This is the point where seeking help from a counsellor may be important. It can feel like these feelings are never going to pass. Seeing a therapist can help you to develop tools to deal with these post acute withdrawal symptoms in order to reduce the risk of relapse.

If you are struggling with coming off opiated medication and want help from a specialist addiction therapist please call Victoria Abadi Therapies on 07983726647 or email vivtoriaabadi66@gmail.com

Face to face sessions can be arranged in the Hale and Wilmslow area. Alternatively Skype sessions can be offered to those living in areas outside of Cheshire and Manchester.

Over the years I have devised a three tiered way of working with clients. Think of an iceberg divided into 3 parts. The top part of the iceberg is the bit that clients usually present in therapy with. They come to me stating that they are obsessively and compulsively using a substance or addictive behaviour, such as gambling or watching pornography. If they are using a substance such as alcohol or cocaine daily then the first thing we need to work on is stopping that behaviour so that they can become psychologically available for counselling. At this point the work that I may be doing with the client may look and feel more like advice and guidance rather than therapy. This is the bit that is visible. We will look at what support the client can access, what are the barriers to them accessing that support. Helping the client understand that life has to be better clean and sober than it is using or drinking. This looks and feels different to every individual but in my experience has to be about connection to their life and others in some meaningful form or other. It may be a connection to other recovering people, a connection with a hobby such as yoga, running or painting. Again this is more effective in making the client have a sense of wellbeing if they are connected to others practicing/participating in the same thing. I remember one of my clients describing to me the importance of having found her tribe. She had tried the 12 step model of attending mutual aid meetings but had not felt comfortable with this. She went on to use therapy weekly combined with yoga for the next 12 months. Within her yoga practice she met a lot of other likeminded people. She felt connected. She had found a place where she felt she belonged. Addiction more often than not takes a person to a place of isolation. I now understand isolation to be something born from a sense of shame and self-loathing. It doesn’t start out that way. It starts out as using substances on your own primarily so as to not be seen to using too much, not having to explain yourself, an underlying sense that the way your using is not quite right, maybe a sense of paranoia if other people are around, it may even be you just don’t want to have to share your stash. Whatever the reasons may start out as somewhere along the line something changes. That desire to be alone turns into a need to be alone. Facing other people becomes too difficult whether it be due to shame, embarrassment, social anxiety, depression, paranoia, psychosis and the result is the same – addicts spend more and more time alone due to need not want.
Once the client has connected to their lives in some meaningful way the addiction tends to decrease. The next layer of the iceberg is the bit that is just under the water. This is the way the client thinks and feels. It may be that they are reluctantly making connections in their life by attending AA/NA meetings or joining other types of groups as discussed above. At this point my work focuses on why they are thinking in the way that they are and have been doing. It is really important here to remember that addiction is an illness of the mind, a distortion of thinking, hence the reason why it is treated in psychiatric hospitals. Clients are not making life style choices to go and throw away all the good stuff in their lives. They are dealing with thought patterns that are distorting the truth. The number one thought offender that this client group present with is ‘This time it will be different/better! Second offending thought is ‘just this one, I will stop/give up tomorrow’. Often clients presenting at this stage are suffering with a mind that feels like it is on overdrive. It is often described as ‘the washing machine mind’ This is the point where the client is starting to face the reality of the damage they have caused to themselves and everyone around them. They are also projecting into the future worrying about how they are going to move forward and recover what often they have lost – relationships, jobs, driving licence, self respect. For the addict at this stage these relentless thoughts can drive them crazy and the one way they know to shut their mind up is to use their substance of choice. hence this is the point in therapy where we start to look at what tools they can develop to stop their mind racing other than returning to their drug of choice and to the addictive cycle. I use such techniques as mindfulness .https://neuroscienceofmindfulness.com/sympathetic-and-parasympathetic-nervous-system/ This helps the client to begin to focus on the present moment using breathing and relaxation techniques. This starts to bring the body from the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) to the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest). This helps reduce cortisol; levels thus reducing stress which in turn helps the mind to slow down and become more present. At this point the brain is laying down new neural linguistic pathways that are helping the client to move away from the reward system of the addiction neural pathway to the reward system of using breathing to help feel calm. mindfulness on its own in my experience is not sufficient at this point to slow the mind down. There needs to be a way for the client to challenge some of these negative thought processes. At this point I will use CBT techniques to help the client search out what thoughts they are having that drive them to behave in negative ways. Often these thoughts are below the level of consciousness so it is my job as the therapist to help the client raise these thoughts into their conscious mind so that they can challenge them. Typical examples of negative thought drivers are ‘you’re not smart enough to do that’, ‘you’re lazy’, ‘you’re selfish’. These thoughts often have been fed to the client during early childhood and have become the clients own negative critical parent voice. I will help the client challenge those thoughts by asking if they are behaving in a selfish way today are they being lazy today are you smart enough to do that today. Often the client can find evidence to suggest that because they have stopped using that they are not any of those things in the present moment. Sometimes we will find evidence to suggest that they still are behaving in those ways and that becomes another focus for therapy and helps them change their behaviour.
Once the mind starts to slow down and the client feels like they are less traumatised we can start to look at the final layer of the pyramid. This is the bit that is often deep under the water. This is the part where we explore what has been the initial underlying cause for the client to start using in the first place. It is important to state that this is not always a linear way of working. Sometimes the underlying reason for using is so prevalent that it comes out within the first couple of sessions. I will never close a client down but sometimes it is more useful for them to park it whilst we address the active addiction with a very clear understanding that we will go back to the initial trauma and it is given the important space it deserves. We have to explore that initial discomfort otherwise it will reoccur and the client is then in great danger of relapse. Sometimes it can take a while for the client to stop blaming themselves and saying they only used because they were ‘hedonistic’ or ‘they just liked to party’. Therapy is never about blaming somebody else and always about understanding why things happen and exploring the clients response and coping mechanisms to those events. My experience has shown that there is nearly always some form of trauma underlying addiction. Remember trauma is subjective. What is traumatic to me may not be traumatic to you and vice versa. Once that trauma is identified we can work together to heal that pain by bringing it out into the open. Shining a light on it and helping the client understand that their reaction to the events have not been about them being bad people, morally corrupt people but hurt people who have found faulty coping mechanisms for dealing with that pain. It is often useful to involve the family at this point if they are available and open to being supportive. It is important for them to develop compassion for ‘their addict’ without blaming themselves for their loved ones addiction. Often the family members themselves may need therapy at this time to come to terms with their experience of loving an addict.
Here at Victoria Abadi Therapies we understand that the process of recovery can take time. We are currently working from premises in Hale, Altrincham and Wilmslow to provide the above services.

Part 1. Instinct or Paranoia?

A question I’m often asked in my line of work is what is an ‘adult child of an alcoholic?’ The term became more widely used when American psychologist and researcher Janet G Woititz wrote a book in 1983 about growing up in a family where one or both parents are addicted to alcohol. In its very simplest terms the child of an alcoholic grows up to become an adult child of an alcoholic. In her book she recognised that these adults tend to have a set of similar characteristics and a similar way of behaving and responding to situations.

One of the primary characteristic of these adult children is being hyper sensitive to atmospheres. When you grow up with an alcoholic you grow up with unpredictability. It is in your best interest as a child to be able to gauge what mood the alcoholic parent is in and thus adapt to the behaviour that will bring the least amount of criticism your way. That criticism might manifest itself verbally by the parent or it could be acted out physically with some form of physical violence being meted out. Whichever way that unpredictability gets acted out that child learns how best to adapt to survive and brings the skill or curse of being hyper aware of moods and atmospheres into their adult life. If I had a pound for every time I heard an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) say ‘I can’t trust whether it’s my gut instinct or paranoia that’s telling me to react in a certain way’ I’d be a rich woman. What they actually mean by this is:- that they have learnt to assess a situation they walk into immediately through the atmosphere and mood in the room. They are often correct in their judgement but because trust is in short supply in addicted families it’s hard for them to figure out if it’s a true assessment of the situation or whether their lack of trust is making them feel paranoid and therefore scewing their judgement of the situation. So here’s an example….an ACOA walks into a room full of her friends. She trusts most of them implicitly but one of her friends has always reminded her of her alcoholic mother. The reason for this is that if she doesn’t behave in a way which her friend approves of she withdraws her affection. She is unpredictable like her mother. The young woman senses some kind of vibe in the room. She thinks the one friend she doesn’t entirely trust has been saying unkind things about her. She thinks this because she has walked in the room and scanned it for mood and atmospheres the minute she walked in, just like she did every time she walked into a room with her mother in it when she was a child. When she was a child if her mother was drunk there was a good chance she would be verbally attacked and criticised. So she has learnt to do this in all situations in order to protect herself. This was a skill she needed as a child. As an adult that skill can cause her to pick up on things that aren’t always happening. So she walks into the room with her friends and immediately feels on red alert, on the defensive. She asks herself is this a dangerous situation or is she being overly cautious to the point of paranoia. She doesn’t know. She can not fully trust her gut instinct because of past experiences. She feels confused and different. A feeling she has often felt. Feeling different is another characteristic that most ACOA’s experience.
So how does she learn to trust her judgement? She needs to understand that what she is feeling is normal due to the experience she has had as a child. She needs to learn how to communicate effectively with the people close to her so that she can truly figure out who she can and can not trust. She will also be enormously helped by going through counselling in order to heal from the trauma of growing up in an alcoholic household. She may well also benefit from attending a 12 step program called Adult Children of Alcoholics. This is a fellowship of men and women who have survived growing up in an addicted family and come together to support themselves through experience strength and hope.

If you have grown up in a family where one or both of your parents had a problem with alcohol or other substances then you may want to seek help with a counsellor who specialises in addiction and its associated traumas. Victoria Abadi therapies is a busy counselling service which specialises in addiction. We are based in Hale, Wilmslow and Northenden. To contact us please email victoriaabadi66@gmail.com or call 07983726647

So first of all what does recovery mean? I work with a large case load of clients who present with many forms of addictions or addictive processes. The main addictions we tend to think about are alcohol and drug abuse, but there are many more things that are addictive such as gambling, sexual behaviours, food and relationships to name but a few. There are many schools of thought about what recovery from these substances or processes may look like. For some it will be abstinence from all mind and mood altering chemicals and addictive processes. For others it may be abstinence from the particular substance that was causing them problems. There are yet others who are able to learn how to control the use of the substance or addictive process that was problematic. Recovery is individual to each and every person. I believe that recovery must include an improvement in relationships with both yourself and others you interact with. Most of the people I have worked with over the years have described how addiction has isolated them. They have become more insular, less able or less wanting to interact with others in a positive and meaningful way. Johann Hari in his 2015 TED talk describes ‘connection being the antidote to addiction’. I believe this to be oversimplified as there is a need to take in the biochemical component of addiction which I have covered in my previous blogs. Nethertheless it is important for clients to understand what recovery will look and feel like for themselves. Being able to improve their relationship with themselves and others is often a major priority. The way in which you interact with food is a major component in improving your relationship with yourself. People with low self esteem will often use food as a way to stuff their feelings of inadequacy and as an attempt to avoid low moods.
Many times when people enter into a recovery process they believe it is just about stopping or controlling the substance or process. But what if your addiction is to food? You can’t stop eating food or you will die. Recovery is about thriving. Those people who describes them selves as having an addictive relationship with food will need to find a way of still eating but in a balanced and healthy way. Counselling can help such people identify their relationships with food and what it means to them. They can explore if there are certain foods which are more likely to make them want to binge eat or restrict eating. Working with addictive relationships with food is a complex process and once recovery is obtained then the hard work is often how to maintain it. This is also true for anyone in any addiction recovery process as the disease of addiction is four fold. It effects the body, the mind, the emotions and the spirit. Learning how to eat in a healthy balanced way can be one of the components in helping many people to achieve sustained recovery.

Often you will hear recovering people talking about how they have stopped acting out on their original addiction but are now substituting that addiction with cakes, biscuits, crisps and many other refined carbs!!! Why, you may ask? Sugar is addictive. We tend to think of sugar just being in cakes, sweets and biscuits. Refined carbohydrates are forms of sugar and starches that don’t exist in nature. I have included a list below of foods that include refined carbohydrates in other words sugar or starch

REFINED CARBOHYDRATE LIST

REFINED AND SIMPLE SUGARS (often called “added sugars”)

Table sugar/white sugar (aka sucrose; may be cane sugar or beet sugar)
Confectioner’s sugar (powdered white sugar)
Honey (Even though honey exists in nature and isn’t refined, it is a pure sugar that is difficult to obtain in significant quantities without special equipment or risk. Honey affects our health in exactly the same way that other sugars do.)
Agave syrup
Corn syrup and high-fructose corn syrup
Brown sugar
Molasses
Maple syrup
Fructose
Brown rice syrup
Maltose
Glucose syrup
Tapioca syrup
Rice bran syrup
Malt syrup
Dextran
Sorghum
Treacle
Saccharose
Carob syrup
Dextrose, dextran, dextrin, maltodextrin
Fruit juice concentrates

FRUIT JUICES except for lemon/lime juice. Most fruit juices require special equipment to produce in significant quantities.

ALL KINDS OF FLOUR including wheat, oat, legume (pea and bean), rice, and corn flours. 100% stoneground, whole meal flours are less refined and not as unhealthy as other types of flours because they are not as finely ground and take longer to digest.

INSTANT/REFINED GRAINS including instant hot cereals like instant oatmeal, white rice, polished rice, and instant rice

REFINED STARCHES such as corn starch, potato starch, modified food starch–essentially any powdered ingredient with the word “starch” in it

FOODS HIGH IN REFINED CARBOHYDRATES AND ADDED SUGARS

(This is not meant to be a complete list)

All desserts except whole fruit
Ice cream, sherbet, frozen yogurt, etc
Most breads
Many crackers (100% stone-ground whole grain crackers are less refined)
Biscuits
Cakes
Muffins
Pancakes
Waffles
Pies
Pastries
Sweets
Chocolate (dark, milk and white). Baker’s chocolate is unsweetened and is therefore an exception.
Breaded or battered foods
All types of dough (phyllo, pie crust, etc)
Most cereals except for unsweetened, 100% whole grain cereals in which you can see the whole grains in their entirety with the naked eye (unsweetened muesli, rolled oats, or unsweetened puffed grain cereals are good examples)
Most pastas, noodles and couscous
Jello® (sugar-free varieties exist but it’s much healthier to make your own with unsweetened gelatine and fresh fruit)
Jellies, jams and preserves
Bagels
Pretzels
Pizza (because of the flour in the dough)
Puddings and custards
Corn chips
Crisps
Caramel corn and kettle corn
Most granola bars, power bars, energy bars, etc (unless labelled sugar-free).
Rice wrappers
Tortillas (unless 100% stone-ground whole grain)
Most rice cakes and corn cakes (unless labelled 100% whole grain)
Bread crumbs
Croutons
Fried vegetable snacks like green beans and carrot chips (usually contain added dextrin, a sweet starch)
Ketchup
Honey mustard
Most barbecue sauces
Check labels on salsa, tomato sauces, salad dressings and other jarred/canned sauces for sugar/sweeteners
Sweetened yogurts and other sweetened dairy products
Honey-roasted nuts
Sweetened sodas
Chocolate milk (and other sweetened milks)
Condensed milk
Hot cocoa
Most milk substitutes (almond milk, soy milk, oat milk, etc) because they usually have sugar added–read label first
Sweet wines and liqueurs

All the above foods contain refined carbs/ sugars and for many people in recovery they can be addictive. If we go back to the beginning of this article and look at what recovery means we explored that it is different for each individual. So for some people the solution to sugar addiction is abstinence, for others it is abstinence from certain sugars/refined carbs that are problematic and for others the solution may be learning how to control their intake of sugars. Again as mentioned above recovery is individual to each person. Only the person themselves can recognise how they need to behave to achieve what they consider to be recovery.

So what is left. Below are some examples of foods that are low in refined carbs/added sugar:

EXAMPLES OF FOODS LOW IN REFINED CARBS/ADDED SUGAR

Fresh/frozen meat, poultry, and seafood
Eggs
Fresh or frozen unsweetened fruits
All vegetables
Whole grains (whole grain rice, oats, barley, quinoa, corn, etc)
Nuts and seeds of all types
Unsweetened nut butters
Unsweetened coconut
Popcorn
100% wholegrain rice cakes
Whole legumes (beans, peas, lentils)
Guacamole
Unsweetened salsa
Olives
Unsweetened pickles
Soy products (like tofu and unsweetened or sugar-free soy milk)
Unsweetened, all-natural dairy products (milk, plain yogurt, cheeses, butter, cream, half-and-half, sour cream, etc)
100% stone-ground wholegrain breads or crackers without sugar added
Unsweetened coffee, tea, sparkling water (either plain or with natural flavors or essences added), water
Unsweetened tomato sauce and other unsweetened, starch-free sauces
Unsweetened salad dressings (most fat-free dressings contain sugar–check labels). Low-sugar options include blue cheese, ranch, full-fat Italian, Greek, Caesar dressings.
Herbs and spices
Oils
Unsweetened vinegars (balsamic vinegar and certain other fruity vinegars can be very sweet–read label for carbohydrate content)
Textured vegetable protein

Daily Affirmations to help with Healthy Eating Choices

It can be very easy to fall into unhealthy eating patterns. Here is a list of daily affirmations to help you to remember to eat healthily one day at a time:

Start each day with the intention to eat healthy.

Pick an affirmation from the list below or make up or own. Repeat the affirmation to yourself through out the day.

Today I choose to eat healthily because I love myself

I eat for nutrition not for boredom.

I choose to love myself.

Today I replace sugary food with healthy choices.

I forgive myself for overeating. I will make healthier choices today.

I eat food that is good for me.

I make wise food choices.

I nourish myself with water, exercise and healthy food.

And remember that we can start each day again if we make unhealthy choices. Recovery is about self caring and forgiveness.

HAPPY AND HEALTHY EATING EVERYONE

If you are struggling with any of the subjects discussed above call Victoria Abadi Therapies on 07983726647 or email victoriaaabadi66@gmail.com. Counselling practices are based in the South Manchester area in Hale, Wilmslow and Northenden.

Recently I have been reading a lot about the fact that connection is the antidote to addiction. In a very unformulated way I think I have believed this for years. One of the reasons that 12 step fellowships, such as alcoholics anonymous, work so well is that they bring people back from isolation to a place which they describe as a ‘being in a place where they feel they belong’. Often my clients will report that their addiction left them physically isolated but sometimes they may state that they were surrounded by people. When we explore this further it nearly always transpires that their addiction had managed to make them feel isolated and alone even when sometimes surrounded by copious amounts of people.
When I first heard the word isolated I didn’t really know what it meant. I imagined it to mean being in the middle of a forest on your own or being stranded on a desert island. I didn’t understand it as a spiritual problem. In fact if you had mentioned the word spiritual to me I would have ran a mile. As someone who has suffered from addiction in many forms I now understand isolation to be something born from a sense of shame and self-loathing. It doesn’t start out that way. It starts out as using substances on your own primarily so as to not be seen to using too much, not having to explain yourself, an underlying sense that the way your using is not quite right, maybe a sense of paranoia if other people are around, it may even be you just don’t want to have to share your stash. Whatever the reasons may start out as somewhere along the line something changes. That desire to be alone turns into a need to be alone. Facing other people becomes too difficult whether it be due to shame, embarrassment, social anxiety, depression, paranoia, psychosis the result is the same – you are spending more and more time alone due to need not want.
Human beings were originally tribal, we were surrounded by other people having a common cause to find a way to survive. As time progressed we lived in communities of extended families. The common man had no means to travel far so families lived close to one another, often in the same street or village. As time has further progressed western society developed the terminology ‘the nuclear family’, this was when the norm was familys to live together as mum, dad and dependants. Travel and money was more accessable and no longer did we necessarily live close to our families. Now we live in an age where community is seen as a thing of the past. Thatcher coined the term ‘rugged individualism’. There is a sense certainly in England of every one looking out for themselves. There are many single parents bringing up children on their own, many elderly folk with no friends or kin near to them. More and more our society is setting us up to being isolated. As human beings we are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to be isolated. Mental health and addiction has a fertile ground in which to flourish.
So whether we become isolated due to the society we live in or it is due to using substances that we slowly start to isolate ourselves, the result is the same. We are living in un natural conditions for the human spirit to thrive. The more isolated we become the our need is to kill the spiritual pain and discord of this.
So it makes sense to me that connection is the antidote to addiction. We need to feel connected tour environment, our families, our friends and possibly our ‘god’.
Therapy can be the first step to recognising how isolated you have become through your addiction. Having recognised this then the next step may be to explore why isolation is so damaging to the human spirit and how it keeps the cycle of addiction going. Learning how to connect again can be a difficult process that support and motivation can help with. Therapy can help you within that one to one relationship build up trust with another human being. The hope is that from this initial connection the client can learn how to reach out to others with similar problems thus deepening their connection to their own existence. In time this can lead to a total reintegration with life and all the possibilities that go along with this.

If you need help with add